


sexuality and sensuality

by absolutecapriciousness (syballineInferno)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Character Study, F/F, Sadstuck, alex talks in the tags i'm sorry, almost all the ships there are only mentioned in passing, an awful lot of pornea, intense self loathing discussed. not porrim's. someone else's, it's mostly porrim but everyone else is atleast mentioned, no capitalization, pale porkri, porrim study, possibly considered underage maybe, this was not intentional
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-30
Updated: 2013-07-30
Packaged: 2017-12-21 22:23:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/905639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/syballineInferno/pseuds/absolutecapriciousness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the first time she has sex without love or hate, she feels dirty.</p><p>//or, a study in porrim and her insight towards her fellow trolls and sex in ten scenes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	sexuality and sensuality

i.

the first time she has sex without love or hate, she feels _dirty_.

the other troll - what was her name again? porrim knows more about her nook and bulge than she does her personality - groans and pulls herself out, asleep in minutes. porrim is not so lucky.

porrim removes herself from her recuperacoon, and heads to her respiteblock, intent on taking a shower, as if to remove the weight encompassing her, making her feel like she was drowning, like she couldn’t breathe -

she looks in the mirror and wishes she hadn’t.

her eyes, which she could tell just from memory had been dark and hazy with lust, seemed tired, glassy, hollow. her skin is gray and splattered with greens and dark blues, but she couldn’t tell which was genetic material and which was blood.

she showers three times and it doesn’t remove the suffocating feeling. when she removes herself from the respiteblock, her partner in lust was gone.

{in the morning, when she leaves her home, the trolls that live nearby that saw the other troll leaving glare at her. she can hear them whisper _“whore!”_ and she pretends it doesn’t bother her}

 

ii.

it’s been a perigee and she has trouble remembering that other troll’s face, or their voice, but she remembers the sex - good sex - and she remembers lust settling in her bones and empty hands hungrily stroking her figure.

{she remembers how she felt afterwards too, but she’s buried those thoughts}

she’s in town for the day and she hears somebody {a man, tall and clad in a business suit} tell another that “women should be seen and not heard” and she turns around and verbally slaps him, launching into a spiel.

she wishes she actually slapped him.

{that night, she takes someone home, a woman with teal blood and submissive nature that let porrim fuck her against porrim’s front door. in a week, porrim will remember she’s a screamer and that it took her two hours to clean up the mess they made, and that she only took one extra shower to remove the traces of shame - and also that it was a good thing her lusus was getting old and stayed mostly in the greenhouse upstairs}

iii.

by the time she’s in the game, she’s flirty and rebellious, she gets angry at the gender roles that she couldn’t escape, even in the game, and she has a huge flush crush on aranea serket.

{i’ve always kinda prefered the ladies, porrim thinks, as she soaks up the sleeping form of aranea while she hangs around the kingdom of gold she’d known for so long, escaped to on the nights she was alone and filled with a shame that she’s forgotten.}

but the thing is, porrim doesn’t make a move on aranea. yeah, she’s flirty and all that jazz, and they do quests together and ok, maybe there was once or twice where they were both drunk off their ass and only found out about as meenah cackled about it to a blushing aranea.

the thing is, aranea is _innocent._ half the time porrim makes an innuendo, it flies over her head. she hasn’t dated much pre game, and she has a horrible flush crush on cronus and porrim just can’t make a move on her, she can’t do that, she’s too pure, she’s too beautiful, even when she’s making eyes at someone else.

porrim hasn’t done this before, not in a long time. sure, she’s had attraction and lust before, but her bloodpusher didn’t speed up and her stomach didn’t magically turn to butterflies and she could _disconnect_ herself from them.

she can’t disconnect  from aranea. or rather, she won’t.

iv.

she gets drunk at a party held at kankri’s house - he was trying to impress latula before she goes out with mituna and he loses the chance, even if he wouldn’t admit it - and she wakes up naked with latula next to her, green and teal splattered on them and shit, that’s a video camera.

“morning, pornstar,” latula mumbles, then glances at the camera. “haha, i guess it’s literal now, isn’t it?”

“don’t call me that,” she mutters and stretches, feeling as if she’s betrayed not one but two of her friends - mituna and kankri.

for the first time in a long time, porrim feels _dirty._

v.

in a way, porrim understands damara.

because damara was isolated by everyone else in ways that no one else really understood, just like porrim was shunned by her caste. maybe not to the same degree damara was abandoned, but to some level, porrim understands damara and damara understands porrim.

porrim is the one who finds out from kurloz {her gossip buddy, never could keep a secret} that rufioh was cheating on damara. porrim is the one that tells her immediately after.

porrim is the one who damara cries on.

yeah, damara had her _guesses_ {meenah’s been making snide comments about it for perigees} but confirmation stung. and yeah, usually damara would be crying on aranea, but ever since the game started meenah had been tugging aranea away from her in an attempt to black flirt.

{really, meenah? did you _forget_ the ‘no messing with other quadrants’ rule? honestly. aranea was close enough to be a quadrant for damara.}

damara is babbling in eastern beforean, which she only does at her highest and lowests, and she’s clinging to porrim and tears spill from her cheeks, and -

damara leans up and kisses her.

porrim pushes her away. “what are you doing?” she demands. it isn’t the first time she’s been used as a rebound, but all those people were faceless and dead, met at bars or somewhere - those people weren’t damara. she didn’t want to take advantage of sweet damara, emotionally compromised damara.

“please _,_ ” she whispers raggedly, looking up at porrim with the doe eyes that had enchanted rufioh - and that was not a path porrim wanted to go down right now, not while damara stared at porrim like that. “i just - i need to - i need to know that someone - someone could _care_ ,” and she breaks into eastern beforean ramblings, tears streaking her cheeks and porrim will _hate_ herself for this later, but she kisses damara anyway.

kissing turns to touching which turns more intimate, more heated and porrim is left nude next to a sleeping damara, who’s smiling pleasantly as she snores.

porrim doesn’t sleep that night.

vi.

rufioh shows up three perigees later on her doorstep.

porrim considers slamming the door in his face.

he starts to ramble about something - breaking up with horuss? - and porrim’s blood boils.

“what do you _want,_ rufioh-” she snaps at him. he breaks her off by kissing her.

rufioh is taller than her, more built, but porrim is strong enough to shove him away. within seconds, there’s a brown handprint on his cheek.

“what the _actual fuck_ do you think you’re doing, nitram?” she demands, and rufioh shrinks. he has a foot over her, but not enough confidence to show it. she seems ten feet tall when she’s angry and he only makes three when he’s nervous.

“i-uh-maryam...” he stutters out.

“close your mouth for thirty seconds and let me speak,” she rages. oh god, she was angry, she was boiling, how _dare_ he do this to damara, to her, who the fuck did he think he was? “are you telling me you came to me for _rebound_ because you thought i was easy? because i would, of course, sleep with _anyone_ , and who could resist you? _damara_ certainly couldn’t, and neither could horrus, could they?” rufioh cringes, and satisfaction brews in her core.

“porrim-”

“shut up,” she says flatly because she was not fucking done, you can just fuck off mr nitram. “here’s a memo you seem to have missed; us girls are not here for you to ignore until you decide they’re _deserving_ of your attention, rufioh nitram.”

“i don’t -”

“damara megido; dated her for two sweeps. in the last four perigees of your relationship, you only called her to get laid or help you with something via time powers. aranea serket; had a huge, obvious flush crush on you until recently. ever since entering the game, you hardly spoke to her except for server/client things and favors,” she listed conversationally. “porrim maryam; a seeming friend of yours... until recently, when you called her up for a _rebound fuck_ after breaking up with the person you cheated on your loyal girlfriend with - the girlfriend _i_ comforted.”

“maryam-”

“get out,” she says. “of my hive.”

he does.

porrim sighs.

vii.

latula and mituna get together. porrim is somehow the last to know.

{“the fuck did that happen?” she mumbles as she looks for her favorite dress and alchemizes some rocky road ice cream. oh yeah, she totally has a pale boner for kankri and it’s showing, but whatever.}

if she knows kankri and oh god, _she does,_ he’ll be alone, and he’ll be angry and bitter and self loathing.

“kankri?” she calls, heading for his hive.

the door is unlocked, so she comes in.

things are thrown everywhere, it’s a huge mess, and in the middle of it all was kankri, looking ragged and the most emotionally worn that she’s ever seen him.

“kanny...” porrim murmurs, and he looks up and glowers at her. “i heard mituna and latula got together.”

“shut up,” he says harshly. “and i - i’ve told you a million times not to call me that.”

“no rambling? wow, you _are_ heartbroken,” she muses, and yeah, she’s pissing him off, but she knows kankri; he acts out violently first {as his home can attest} but to really get stuff off his chest. he needs to talk and he wont talk about how he feels without goading.

“shut _up_ , maryam!” he shouts at her, angry and tired. she offers him rocky road, striding over. he looks like he’s going to deny, but they both know about his addiction.

{he was _such_ a teenage girl sometimes}

“thanks,” he mutters begrudgingly, taking the spoon too and digging in.

“so,” she starts conversationally. “mituna and latula are together.”

“shut the fuck up, maryam,” and it’s the first time she’s heard him swear. she’s so proud. latula’d be crying with joy.

“and how does this make you feel,” she drawls.

“why are you here again?” he asks rhetorically between bites of rocky road {definitely a better therapist than porrim} but doesn’t let her answer. “why would latula and mituna’s new status affect me? i’m perfectly happy for them. ecstatic. we should throw them a party to monument this joyous occasion of such a _perfect_ union. trigger warnings: happiness, perfect couples.”

“this would be a lot more convincing,” she remarks offhandedly. “had you not destroyed your living room in a fit of rage.”

“then what do you _want_ me to say, porrim?”

“the truth might be nice,” she shrugs. “food for thought.”

kankri breathes. inhale, exhale. she watches his chest rise and fall, and she sits down a foot away.

“the truth,” he starts, and _god,_  he sounds so fucking bitter, so jaded, he’s eight sweeps and he’s loved this girl for at least four. porrim is torn between papping him or hugging him. she does neither. “what is the truth at this point? that she loves mituna and he loves her? that she’s - that i- that i’ve been there for sweeps, that i’ve always - that she - that she doesn’t give a flying fuck about me? that i - i’ve been so _desperately_ in love with her, and - deity, you all think i’m ridiculous, don’t you? i know you do, i’ve heard meenah speak,” he adds. then, a long silence later, “she’s the only one for me - there’s no one else.”

this is the rawest she’s ever seen him. it hurts.

{she’s never seen him stumble for words like this before}

“trigger warning,” he whispers. “feels.”

she tries not to laugh at how ridiculous the trigger warnings were at this point. “and how does this make you feel?” she inquires flatly.

“angry,” he answers, closing his eyes.

“at what?”

“i don’t know.”

“at latula?”

“no, never!”

“mituna?”

he’s quiet for a minute. “no.”

“no?”

“no.”

“and why’s that?”

“i- i can’t blame him. for loving her. i’d be a huge hypocrite, if i did, wouldn’t i?” he sighs, and his next three words explain what he feels for mituna more than any other ever could. “trigger warning; jealousy.”

“ah,” she murmurs. “then who are you angry at?” she thinks she knows the answer, but she needs to hear it from his mouth.

“i-i don’t _know!”_ he bellows, face in his hands. “myself, maybe?”

she was right. “and why is that?”

“why wouldn’t it be that?” he snaps, and she gives him a reproachful look. “for never telling her? for being jealous? for never making friends? for being such a _fool_ as to think she’d fall for me over anyone else in the world? for wanting her even though she deserves so much better than me?” he started crying at some point, chest heaving. it’s the first time she’s seen him cry. he sighs tiredly. “trigger warning; self loathing.”

on an impulse she paps him. he goes rigid.

“porrim,” he says slowly. “remove your hand from my person. trigger warning; touching.”

her hand is removed. “kanny-”

“get out,” he says roughly. “maryam.”

she does. “pale for you,” she murmurs as she walks out the door.

{she can’t tell if she’s imagining it or not, but she thinks she hears him say, “pale for you too,” as she leaves}

viii.

when damara snaps, porrim blames meenah.

because, while damara lost her fucking mind, a lot of it’s meenah’s fault, or rufioh’s, or aranea’s, even, because rufioh humiliated her, and aranea replaced her, and meenah alienated her.

porrim blames herself for not seeing it coming.

porrim had contacted her last week, checking on her. she’d spoken wholly in east beforean.

when she hears meenah was dead and rufioh crippled, a bitter part of her thinks, _“good.”_

then, she heads to the land of rubies and age to see if she can contact damara.

{damara snaps at her, screams the only words in west beforean damara had spoken to porrim in weeks. “go away!” porrim does, and she regrets it.}

ix.

aranea shoots her a message out of the blue.

AG: I heard you were having moirail problems. Wanna join the clu8 and watch some movies?

GA: That’s the understatement o+f the century. What sho+uld I bring and when?

they meet up an hour later. porrim brings ice cream. aranea clutches wine and “The Movie Where An Oliveblood Male Troll Attempts to Get His Flush Crush by Battling Her Seven Evil Exes.”

“oh,” she says, entering aranea’s immaculate hive. “you shouldn’tve.”

“what, the movie?” aranea asks. “sorry, i should’ve asked what you wanted to watch.”

“the wine,” porrim clarifies. she has a bit of a history with wine and she’s not sure if she wants to go down that road with aranea yet. “i love that movie.”

they end up down three containers of ice cream, two bottles of wine, and half a movie.

as they open the third bottle, aranea whispers drunkenly, “i don’t even like wine.”

“neither do i.” porrim pours them both some more.

“then why are we drinking it?”

porrim shrugs. aranea bursts out giggling, breathy and warm against porrim’s cheek. it’s infectious. porrim laughs and they’re both laughing, and their foreheads are touching as they stop while the protagonist proposes casual sex

when ramona agrees, porrim and aranea’s lips meet.

aranea tastes like wine and mint chocolate chip. porrim doesn’t mind.

the movie gets forgotten in lieu of making out. which leads to things beyond that.

porrim doesn’t mind. she really doesn’t.

x.

she dies, they all die. porrim can’t bring herself to be angry at meenah or aranea. it was a dead end anyway.

she doesn’t count the days, she just watches as eternity goes on. watches as her other self takes care of kankri better than she ever did. makes jokes about meulin and kankri. sleeps with people. her timeline. other timelines. other sessions.

they blur together in her mind.

she knows what they think about her. “slut,” they think. “whore.”

whatever. it doesn’t bug her. she’s used to it.

_{it doesn’t.}_

{it totally does}

meenah propositions her for an army. she says no. meenah always had terrible ideas, and yeah, she’s totally bitter over what she did to damara but, y’know, she’s already dead and she can’t bring herself to care.

{she stays away from memories she used to have that either only linger in her brain or stick out brutally. they’re all bittersweet or just make her feel ashamed, like she hasn’t in eternities {literally}, not since she slept with damara or latula.}

porrim sighs, and waits for the world to burn.

**Author's Note:**

> confession: this may be the longest thing i've ever written. 
> 
> alright, now that that's off my chest, i just wanted to say that i really adore porrim and what i've deemed as Sex Doll Porrim makes me cry at night. i don't know what to say??? but i'm actually really proud of this oneshot.
> 
> i'm also taking writing commissions as of later tonight or tomorrow. more info will be available on my writing blog.
> 
> as always, hmu at absolutecapriciousness.tumblr.com .


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